i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
