I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
