people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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