I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
