The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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