I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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