i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
