eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
