Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
