When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
