people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"