I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
17 Guys Share When Their Parents Found Their Porn Stash
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
The 19 Creepiest Missing Person Cases
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?