yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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