I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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