I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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