I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize