the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
