Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
