I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
A+ Viking dick
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
