My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
