He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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