have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
