I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
