DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
