Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
