If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
