i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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