i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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