Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
