So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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