I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I can't put those talents on a resume
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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