but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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