It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
