i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
