Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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