Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my sisters under your porch take her home
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
