Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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