Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I smell like Dick and happiness
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
