Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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