1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
