i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
