She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
