exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
