Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
