i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
