I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
