I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
