i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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