I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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