They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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