I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
so much tequila, so little girl.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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