Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
