why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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