Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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