1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
