i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
