I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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